originally posted this as one big poem, but the more I read it the more I think it’s just three good stanzas shoved in a trench coat. Will probably do a little dissecting and reposting. If you have thoughts please share!! No one actually knows what’s going on!! Xoxo love you miss you byee 



Why am I always trying to play the good guy 

Who’s keeping score at the end 

When I get to the finish line 

Can I give you my gold star 

I know they won't let us both in 

Call me back when you come up for air 

Just wanted to touch base on some things 

Don’t worry I’m not taking it personally 

This isn’t a competition anymore 

But I’ve still got to win all the same 





I’ve got dinner on the stove 

And packages on the counter 

By the time it’s ready I’m not hungry anymore 

Opened the mail and forgot what I ordered 

I can hear the sitcom moms 

Scolding me in the background 

You’re only ruining it for yourself 

There’s no one else to blame 





Saw kids in the street on my drive in 

Forgot they're out for summer break

One of them looked just like you in my rearview 

Might be the closest I get to seeing you again 

Nothing in this town ever changes 

It’s just painted white and sold back to you 

I didn’t want to be here forever 

But it’s already been ten years in this dirt 

What’s another twenty gonna hurt 

I’ve got nothing to lose 





You said my name and I heard you 

But I didn’t look up 

And you didn’t repeat it 

Just stared straight ahead 

Till my eye sight bleeds 

My whole life I’ve had my blinders on 

Thought tunnel vision would help me believe 

But now I’m just looking for the lighthouse 

Does this make sense to anyone but me 

There's a dead fly stuck 

Inside the fluorescent light 

In the office bathroom 


Its been there since 

I started working here 

Will probably still 

Be here after I leave 


How long ago did he 

Crawl through the space 

In between

Seeking a light he could 

Never truly touch 


Everyday I stare up 

Praying for the poetry 

To come to me 


To give meaning to this 

Pointless exchange 


Instead I just wash my hands 

I’ve never known 

What house my moon is in 

Or what retrograde really means

Didn’t bother with 

Birth charts or rising signs 

Still have to call my mom

When it asks 

what time of day were you born


But I’ve always felt 

At peace in the ocean

And my best friend

Is a fire sign 

All my true loves

Were born in September 

And amethyst has always

Been my favorite color


When I’m standing outside 

On a clear night 

I always look for the Big Dipper 

Comforted that it is always 

Right where I left it 


I don’t know 

If I understand horoscopes;

But I’d love to blame

The stars for all

My shortcomings

And to believe 

My destiny

Is written in the skies 


Can you tell I’m an Aquarius 

I write like I am digging 

A splinter out of my hand 

My skin paper thin 

A thought got stuck

Just below the surface 

Wedged within me

Its presence unknown 


When I am overcome 

With acute emotion 

Blistering with words

When the pangs of 

My guilt or grief finally 

Take shape as a shard 

Of my fleeting memories 


Until I can no longer 

Think of anything else 

And I am trying everything

To pry it loose 

To wrestle it from my body

This is not catharsis; 

It is self-preservation


I must expel this 

Foreign conviction 

From my body 

Before the infection 

Spreads to my heart


I don’t have writers block

Quite the opposite

My thoughts are bleeding out

Please make it stop

I dropped a glass in the sink 

It shattered 

Along with it my patience 

My anxiety is hissing 

A tea kettle about to boil over 

Dig the broken pieces

Out of the disposal 

Another set one glass short


I’d rather wave my white tea towel flag 

Resign myself to the pantry 

Let me rot with the spinach in the fridge 

Allow me to be forgotten

Your least favorite mug 

In the back of the cabinet 


Honey what’s for dinner

Ocean in the dog bowl 

Who’s gonna fill you back up? 

Everything once new has been ruined 

Stained by my recklessness 

I was only trying to do the dishes